The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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