got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
