ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
how does that bad decision feel?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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