i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
