respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Holy sore nipples Batman
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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