i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
