your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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