That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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