i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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