she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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