The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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