is your mom at the bar?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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