just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
