just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
