I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
