Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
