I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I am one with the molecules
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize