have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize