i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
