I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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