just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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