even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
