i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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