Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
