I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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