so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
