He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
