just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
