M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
