This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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