god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Farmville is her only friend.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize