Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
