she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
