Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize