My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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