you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I have post one night stand depression
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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