i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
