What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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