nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
