we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
