I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
