I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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