What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
