They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
