if i can run in heels then i can drive
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
