It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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