1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I cockslap morals
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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