I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
