he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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