Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
