Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
