Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
