Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
