I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
