Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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