Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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