Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
